Our worst year in review.
Please excuse any ‘foul’ language or anger that may slip out while writing this blog post.
2016 has been horrible.
The fall semester ended for me today (started writing 12/13/16). I took the other half of my VBA final. I took 7 classes this first semester of computer information systems: programming. 21 credits. It’s standard practice for this degree plan so I am not the only one who had to do this. However, this is my blog, so I will just talk about me. Final grades were posted for all classes and I passed all with an overall 3.14 GPA. I have been through some shit this semester and this year. I am going to use this blog for a moment to take the time to confront the things that have happened this year.
Read it or not, it makes no difference on my life. Some of it may seem TMI but I am at the point that if I don’t at least try to share these things – especially because of all the slander / rumors that have gone on the past few years – I will feel that I have done myself an injustice. And believe it or not – i haven’t been the one to start any of this. It has all been sprung on me out of nowhere and from an apparently sick mind who gets his thrills from attacking me when he doesn’t get his way. I only write truth and although I would hope people read me and enjoy what I write – I do not base my life on it.
Some of you know about my back problems. I have severe spinal stenosis and degenerative back disease. I had neck/spinal surgery in 2014. This has caused problems not only with my back and neck – but also with my shoulders and the use of my arms and hands. (the diseases have caused problems, not the surgery… the surgery helped. It stopped the progression of symptoms/deterioration) Anyway. I deal with that every day. There are some times the pain is so great I get nauseous and can barely eat. And then there are good days. Or rather, better days. I drop things, I experience numbness in my arms and hands, my shoulders and spine and back have limited movement. And extreme pain. I have never been a violent person, but anyone who knows about this condition and how it has affected my body knows that I am unable to physically be violent as well. I can do my job, simply because I don’t apply for a job unless I know I can do it. I can take care of myself and my kids. I was able to go to physical therapy for part of the year…so that wasn’t bad. It helped some, but like the doctor said, my back is in such bad shape – it’s hard to get any relief. They found my pelvis was tilted (rather strangely in my thoughts), among other things. I had to stop going shortly after the house was burned down – which I will get to in a moment – but only because I simply did not have time. I have three kids. At that time, I was assistant manager at the store and that was full time (35 hours). And a big school schedule.
I lost a child the previous year. This experience will stay with me more than most others. I have lost children before, but this was different. I had a procedure done after my son was born (2008) that sealed my tubes. When I went in for the last scan, one tube had not sealed all the way, so there was still a very small chance of pregnancy. I had it done because I was happy with my three wonderful children and my back was getting worse, among other health problems. During the last couple of months of pregnancy with my son, the pain in my lower back and hips were so bad that I could barely walk and could barely sleep. I had to sleep sitting up on the couch to ease some of the pain. Anyway, the loss last year was a horrible experience. Some bad things were said and done to me while this was going on – on top of the extreme difficulties I was having. These things I will never forgive or forget. I have assumed they think it was funny. Well. I keep a keepsake box of the personal tests and other things from the experience in storage. I am still experiencing, health wise, a saddening aspect of it. I would prefer not to have any more children. My three are a blessing and all I need. And I will leave it at that.
I had a relative commit suicide. Or that’s what I heard; I don’t know how he died. He and I weren’t close, but I knew him. It was still a blow.
Our house was burned down in May. It was devastating. The kids had been at their grandmother’s house and I was in a hotel out of town when the fire happened. We were out of the house because I had called the property manager and handyman to repair something to the house. The day of the fire, I left the hotel a little early to check on the house. I wanted to see if the repair was done so the children and I could move back into the house. When I pulled up to the house, there were firemen and policemen everywhere. They were putting out a fire. They said it started in the girls’ room. There was extensive fire and smoke damage. We lost over half of our belongings. The girls lost more of their things. Their room was decimated. I had a little money saved, but replacing things lost, moving on the spur of the moment (the house was uninhabitable after the fire), and other related fire costs depleted my meager savings. I am not broke, per se, but I must budget my finances a little more closely. I am still, to this day, trying to replace things we lost in the fire.
The same week the fire happened, my boyfriend’s father died. His father lived in New York, so he had multiple family members come down. He had several things to attend to concerning his father’s death and he was not able to help me salvage what I could from the fire and I was not able to help him through the process of his father’s death. We live in separate cities, so the house was mine (and the kids). He thankfully only had a computer at my house and it was his only loss in the tragedy.
Due to him not being able to help me, I had to ask my (soon to be) ex-husband to help me get mine and the kids’ stuff out…the stuff I could salvage. We had not been getting along to this point. He has a bit of an anger problem. I asked out of desperation because I was physically unable to do all that work, and I had no one else to help me. One thing led to another, a lesson teaching me that I should not trust someone who has done me wrong so many times…no matter the circumstances – and I had to call the police. To that point, he had threatened my life and physical harm to me and Richard (bf) and I could not get him to leave the property I was renting. He ended up lying to the police and some unforgivable things happened. The matter was soon dropped for his lack of presence and lack of evidence. I, on the other hand, had (and still have) a video from that day proving his words to be false. He (and his friends) lies to authorities and other people about me on a regular basis. This has greatly affected what little life I have in a negative manner. I have physical proof to prove his words to be false. It all needs to stop and needs to stop soon. And I will leave it at that.
He began a new drama with our children in the past couple of months. I grow weary of this.
He recently told me something devastating about one of the children. The information was, if true, kept from me. Unacceptable. Unforgivable.
I do not write of these things to restart any harsh feelings. I write about it to ease my mind and try to deal with my own very harsh feelings on the matter. Lies cannot be held to a higher standard than honesty. And I seem to be the only one being completely honest. I have held quite a bit back in these writings but only so I don’t cross the line I myself have made. Too many lines have been crossed.
Trust does not break itself.
I have had to deal with these things (apologies for scant details but the situations are very intense) and have still managed fairly in my school work. A few bumps in the school road, but I have passed. I know that if these tragedies had not happened, and I had not been having to deal with sickness on top of my usual sickness – I could have done better (not that I have done bad).
Another thing from this year is I recently changed jobs. It’s taking a little getting used to, but will hopefully prove to be a better opportunity for me and the children. I like the job. The schedule is very different, but we are adjusting. It’s basically a graveyard shift so I must sleep when I can during the day. I am looking for a place in the city I work and go to college, but it will be a couple of months before I can move. It will make travel expenses less. I don’t like having to drive too far. It bothers my back.
That’s all I will write for now..
If any of you still pray – my children and I would appreciate being in your prayers. Thank you.
-Jana C. Dozier
On a positive note, while I still have my Etsy shop for my hobby (www.janasdreams.etsy.com), you can find the items at Flea For All at 6488 Hwy 7 in Bismark, AR. I am booth V-36 and my items are on sale for 15% off the tagged price for my Christmas sale. Happy Shopping.